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Q: What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A. Shoot him again.
Q: How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
A: When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
Q: What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's penis?
A: His body.
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: Because they're practicing to be men.
Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Q: Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
A: To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Q: Why do men name their penises?
A: Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions.
Q: Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: Because not one will stop and ask directions.
Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.
Q: What's the best way to kill a man?
A: Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him, then tell him to pick only one.
Q: What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A: They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!
Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need ... A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"!
Rule #1:
When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has
yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.
Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two
words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no
one knows why.
Rule #3:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang
from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.
Rule #4:
Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear
bathrobes, He wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.
Rule #5:
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a
big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.
Rule #6:
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after-shave or deodorant. I'm told they think they do not stink - they are earthy.
Rule #7:
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere.
Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink. You get the idea. No one knows why.
Rule #8:
Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have
parts left over.
Rule #9:
Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les
Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears' Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know
what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.")
Rule #10:
Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane
tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"
Rule #11:
Rope. Men love rope. It takes them back to our cowboy origins, or at least the Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred
feet of 3/8" manila rope. No one knows why.
Rule #12:
Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what
happens when he gets a label maker.
Rule #13:
It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must
be an extension ladder. No one knows why.
Rule #14:
Tickets to a professional sports game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th
Century Quilts." Everyone knows why!!!!!
Friends don't let friends take home ugly men.
Women's restroom, Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE.
Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?"
Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia.
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap.
Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill,
Make love, not war. Hell, do both, get married!
Women's restroom, The Filling Station, Bozeman, Montana
A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, Texas
No wonder you always go home alone.
Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA
Beauty is only a light switch away.
Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, North Carolina.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
The Irish Times, Washington, DC
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Flagstaff, Arizona.
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
Revolution Books, New York, New York
Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.
Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL
Please don't throw your cigarette butts in the urinal. It makes them soggy and hard to light.
The Janitor
What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands.
Men's restroom
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