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Useful Entertaining Tips
- Getting your home in tip-top shape for a party can be fun if you think of it as kicking dust bunny butt!
- Entertaining in your backyard? The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who's muscular and
shirtless.
- When one hosts a dinner party, it is essential that all the placemats match. Or, at the very least, that they all come
from the same fast-food restaurant.
- Take shortcuts to save time! I used to offer my guests instant coffee. They kept whining for hot water to go with it.
- Nothing in the world is quite so entertaining as pouring old milk into new containers before having guests over.
- A good host must always be a stickler for attractive food presentation! Make sure you take the foil COMPLETELY off the
TV dinner before serving.
- When decorating for a party, be creative with regular household items. Some people might just see an old shower curtain
with torn eyelets. What do I see? A new tablecloth!
- The best way to prepare a roast is to make an aluminum foil tent over your roasting pan. Similarly, the best way to prepare
for relatives is to pitch a tent in the backyard and stay there until they leave.
- A favorite party game is "Pin the Cleanup on the Guests."
- And remember, the better you cook, the more likely your guests will return. Which is why I'm usually not too hot in the kitchen!
Rules For Women
Note: All are numbered #1 on purpose
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching
about you leaving it down.
1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Ask for what you want! Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Check your oil! Please.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both! If you already know best how to do it, just do it
yourself.
1. Christopher Columbus and Marco Polo did not need directions, and neither do we.
1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
And, we have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
1. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what the hell they're
saying anyway.)
1. Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.'
1. If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean we're not watching it.
1. Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one.
1. Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Please don't drive when you're not driving.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If something we said could be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one another: We're just nodding, waiting for the punchline.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. The quarterback who just got pummeled isn't trying to be brave. He's just not crying. Big difference!
1. When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' is fine.
1. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.
1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.
Hillbillies
- How do you know when you're staying in a Kentucky hotel? When you call the front desk and say "I've got a leak in my sink,"
and the person at the front desk says, "Go ahead."
- An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40 and says to the driver, "Got any ID?" The driver says, "'Bout what?"
- Two Mississippians are walking toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray,
whatcha got in th' bag?" "Jes' some chickens." "If I guesses how many they is, kin I have one?" "Shoot, if ya guesses right,
I'll give you both of 'em!" "OK. Ummmmm...five?"
- An Alabamian came home and found his house on fire. He rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry
over here-muh house is on fahr!" "OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?" "Shucks, don't you fellers still have those
big red trucks?"
- Why do folks in Kentucky go to R-rated movies in groups of 18 or more? Because they heard 17 and under aren't admitted.
Billy Bob and Lester were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Lester, "Ya know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation.
Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your suggestions as to where to go. Three years ago
you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Betty Sue got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas,
and Betty Sue got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Betty Sue didn't get pregnant again." Lester
asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?" Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Betty Sue WITH me."
- Ida Mae passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911-operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where
do you live?" asked the operator.Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for
me?" After a long pause, Bubba said, "How 'bout I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
- Know why they raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32? They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
- What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Mississippi? Documentaries.
- Where was the toothbrush invented? Arkansas. If it were invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush.
- Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Tennessee State Lottery? The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.
- A new law was recently passed in North Carolina so that when a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister.
- What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas and a hurricane in Florida have in common? No matter what, somebody's fixin'
to lose a trailer.
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Copyright © 2005 Wanda
Wanda. Female. Committed. Lots of Baggage. Straight. 42. October 2. 5'2". London, Ontario, Canada. Impatient. Weird. Funny. Loyal. Tired. Intelligent. Tone Deaf. Organized. $1,509,032.00.
