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A Man's Guide To What A Woman Is Really Saying
I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.
.... without you in it.
DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?
We haven't had a fight in a while.
NO, PIZZA'S FINE.
.... you cheap slob!
I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW.
I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.
I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
I can't believe you have nothing planned.
COME HERE.
My puppy does this, too.
I LIKE YOU, BUT...
I don't like you.
YOU NEVER LISTEN.
You never listen.
I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE.
I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will.
OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF.
I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch.
OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE!!
Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.
I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS.
We're gonna make fun of you and your friends.
Dictionary For Women
Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.
Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up but HE "made the dinner."
Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."
Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breathe...push..."
Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!
Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."
Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.
Real Friendship
Friend:
When you are sad, ...I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
When you are blue, ...I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
When you smile, ...I'll know you finally got laid.
When you are scared, ...I will rag you about it every chance I get.
When you are worried, ...I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.
When you are confused, ...I will use little words to explain.
When you are sick, .. stay the hell away from me until you're well again. I don't want whatever you have.
When you fall, ...I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
This is my oath, .. I pledge 'til the end. Why you may ask? Because you're my friend.
Remember: A friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body.
What Hallmark Doesn't Print
- So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay.
- My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat. Sorry!
- You had your bladder removed
and you're on the mend.
Here's a bouquet of flowers ...
and a box of Depends.
- Heard your wife left you!
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.
- Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder ...
What the hell was I thinking?
- Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.
- How could two people as beautiful as you ...
Have such an ugly baby?
- I've always wanted to have someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you ... I've changed my mind.
- I must admit, you brought Religion into my life .
I never believed in Hell till I met you.
- As the days go by,
I think of how lucky I am ...
that you're not here to ruin it for me.
- Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go ... would you like
to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
- Someday I hope to get married ...
but not to you.
- Happy birthday!
You look great for your age
Almost Lifelike!
- When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
- I knew the day would come when you would
leave me for my best friend.
So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys.
- We have been friends for a very long time
what say we stop?
- I'm so miserable without you .
it's almost like you're here.
- Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?
- You are such a good friend that if we were
on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket
I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.
- Your friends and I wanted to do something
special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.
- Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only
in Tennessee, Mississippi, West Virginia)
The Magician
During a recent magic shows, a woman asked me, "Sir how do you do that trick?"
The magician responded, "If I told you I would have to kill you". She said, "OK then...tell my husband!"
Tampons
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers
that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge
bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons
for your wife?" He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and
she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers. Because it is Soooooo much cheaper. So, I figure that if I have to roll
my own, SO DOES SHE!
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Copyright © 2005 Wanda
Wanda. Female. Committed. Lots of Baggage. Straight. 42. October 2. 5'2". London, Ontario, Canada. Impatient. Weird. Funny. Loyal. Tired. Intelligent. Tone Deaf. Organized. $1,509,032.00.
