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Who Knew??

• Budweiser beer conditions the hair
• Pam cooking spray will dry finger nail polish
• Cool whip will condition your hair in 15 min
• Mayonnaise will kill Lice , it will also condition your hair.
• Spike your hair (with Close-up tooth paste, it will also give it a tint)-perfect for avid Hockey fans....
• Elmers Glue-paint on your face, allow it to dry, peel off and see the dead skin and blackheads.
• Shiny Hair-use brewed Lipton Tea
• Sunburn -empty a large jar of Nestea into your bath water
• Minor burn-Colgate or Crest toothpaste
• Burn your tongue? Put sugar on it!
• Arthritis? WD-40 Spray and rub in; kills pain of insect stings too.
• Bee stings - meat tenderizer
• Chigger bite - Preparation H
• Puffy eyes - Preparation H
• Paper cut - crazy glue or chap stick.
• Sore nipples - (Nursing Mothers) chap stick or a wet lipton tea bag
• Stinky feet - Mix Jello in a pan of water and soak them!!
• Athelete feet - cornstarch
• Fungus on toenails or fingernails vapor rub
• Kool aid to clean dishwasher pipes. Just put in the detergent section and run a cycle, it will also clean a toilet.
• Kool Aid also can be used as a dye in paint
• Kool aid in Dannon plain yogurt as a finger paint,
• Your kids will love it and it won't hurt them if they eat it!"
• Peanut butter - will get scratches out of CD's! Wipe off with a coffee filter paper
• Sticking bicycle chain - Pam no-stick cooking spray
• Pam will also remove paint, and grease from your hands! Keep a can in your garage for your hubby
• Peanut butter will remove ink from the face of dolls
• When the doll clothes are hard to put on, sprinkle with corn starch and watch them slide on
• Heavy dandruff - pour on the vinegar!
• Body paint - Crisco mixed with food coloring. Heat the Crisco in the microwave, pour into a empty film container and mix with the food color of your choice!
• Tie Dye T-Shirt - mix a solution of kool aid in a container, tie a rubber band around a section of the t-shirt and soak
• Stress buster - preferably for a work group - take a roll of scotch tape and a packet of straws and build a tower without talking to each other!
• Preserving a newspaper clipping - large bottle of club soda and 1/2 cup of milk of magnesia, soak for 20 min and let dry, will last for years!
• A Slinky will hold toast and CD's!
• To keep goggles and glasses from fogging, coat with colgate toothpaste
• Stay-Free Maxi Pads- clean window, floors, just stick to the palm of your hands and work! Can also be used as knee pad.
• Pampers as an absorbent! Remove stains from the carpet with club soda, and a pamper to absorb. Wine stains, pour on the Morton salt and watch it absorb into the salt.
• To remove wax - Take a paper towel and iron it over the wax stain, it will absorb into the towel.
• Remove labels off glassware etc. rub with peanut butter!
• Baked on food -fill container with water, get a bounce from the laundry room and the static from the bounce towel will cause the baked on food to adhere to it. Soak overnight. Also; you can use two Efferdent tablets, soak overnight!
• Crayon on the wall - colgate toothpaste and brush it!
• Dirty grout - Listerine
• Stains on clothes - Colgate
• Grass stains - Karo Syrup!
• Grease Stains- Coca Cola, it will also remove grease stains from the driveway overnight. We know it will take corrosion from batteries!
• Sweat Stains - Efferdent, or vinegar
• Use a Maxi-Pad in your cap as a sweat band!
• Fleas in your carpet? 20 Mule Team Borax- sprinkle and let stand for 24 hours.
• To Keep FRESH FLOWERS longer Add a little clorox, or 2 bayer aspirin, or just use 7-up instead of water!

When A Woman Knows She's Drunk.......

• I have absolutely no idea where my purse is. (Or pants...but that's a long story).
• I believe that dancing with my arms over head and my butt wiggling while yelling woo-hoo is truly the sexiest dance move around.
• I've suddenly decide I want to kick someone's ass and honestly believe I could do it too.
• In my last trip to "pee" I realize I now look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess I was just four hours ago.
• I drop my 3:00 a.m. burger on the floor (which I'm eating even though I'm not the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry on eating it.
• I start crying and telling everyone I see that I love them sooooo much.
• There are less than three hours before I'm due to start work.
• I've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to me.
• The man I'm flirting with used to be my 5th grade teacher.
• The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing becomes strangely overwhelming.
• My eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so I keep them half closed and think it looks exotically sexy.
• I've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.
• I yell at the bartender, who (I think) cheated me by giving me just lemonade, but that's just because I can no longer taste the gin.
• I think I'm in bed, but my pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor.
• I start every conversation with a booming, "Don't take this the wrong way but..."
• I fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when I sit on it.
• My hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.
• I'm tired so I just sit on the floor (wherever I happen to be standing) and take a quick nap.
• I begin leaving the button's open on my button fly pants to cut down on the time I'm in the washroom away from my drink.
• I take my shoes off because I believe it's their fault that I'm having problems walking straight.
  

Kids Beware

My son came home from school one day, with a smirk upon his face.
He decided he was smart enough, to put me in my place.
Guess what I learned in Civics Two, that's taught by Mr. Wright?
It's all about the laws today, The "Children's Bill of Rights."
It says I need not clean my room, don't have to cut my hair.
No one can tell me what to think, or speak, or what to wear.
I have freedom from religion, and regardless what you say,
I don't have to bow my head, and I sure don't have to pray.
I can wear earrings if I want, and pierce my tongue & nose.
I can read & watch just what I like, get tattoos from head to toe.
And if you ever spank me, I'll charge you with a crime.
I'll back up all my charges, with the marks on my behind.
Don't you ever touch me, my body's only for my use,
not for your hugs and kisses, that's just more child abuse.
Don't preach about your morals, like your Mama did to you.
That's nothing more than mind control, And it's illegal too!
Mom, I have these children's rights, so you can't influence me,
or I'll call Children's Services Division, better know as C.S.D.
Of course my first instinct was to toss him out the door.
But the chance to teach him a lesson made me think a little more.
I mulled it over carefully, I couldn't let this go.
A smile crept upon my face, he's messing with a pro.
Next day I took him shopping at the local Goodwill Store.
I told him, "Pick out all you want, there's shirts & pants galore.
I've called and checked with C.S.D. who said they didn't care
if I bought you K-Mart shoes instead of those Nike Airs.
I've canceled that appointment to take your driver's test.
The C.S.D. is unconcerned so I'll decide what's best.
I said "No time to stop and eat, or pick up stuff to munch.
And tomorrow you can start to learn to make your own sack lunch.
Just save the raging appetite, and wait till dinner time.
We're having liver and onions, a favorite dish of mine.
He asked ""Can I please rent a movie, to watch on my VCR?
"Sorry, but I sold your TV, for new tires on my car.
I also rented out your room, you'll take the couch instead.
The C.S.D. requires just a roof over your head.
Your clothing won't be trendy now, I'll choose what we eat.
That allowance that you used to get, will buy me something neat.
I'm selling off your jet ski, dirt-bike & roller blades.
Check out the "Parents Bill of Rights," It's in effect today!
Hey hot shot, are you crying, why are you on your knees?
Are you asking God to help you out, instead of C.S.D..?