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Bumper Stickers You Would Love To See

• Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an asshole.
• Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings."
• The proctologist called...they found your head.
• Everyone has a photographic memory...some just don't have any film.
• Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.
• Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
• I used to have a handle on life...but now it is broken.
• WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
• Hang up and drive.
• If you can read this...I can slam on my brakes and sue you.
• Heart Attacks...God's revenge for eating His animal friends.
• Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.
• Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small to be out by itself.
• Some people just don't know how to drive...I call these people "Everybody But Me."
• Don't like my driving...Then quit watching me.
• Guys...just because you have one...doesn't mean you have to be one.
• Welcome to America...NOW speak English

Bumper Stickers for Ladies

• So many men, so few who can afford me.
• Coffee, chocolate, men ...some things are just better rich.
• Don't treat me any differently than you would the queen.
• I'm out of estrogen and I have a gun.
• Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
• Of course I don't look busy...I did it right the first time.
• Do not start with me. You will not win.
• All stressed out and no one to choke.
• How can I miss you if you won't go away?
• Don't upset me! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
• If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

Deep Thoughts

• Boldly going nowhere
• Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.
• How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?
• Money Isn't Everything... But it Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch
• Saw it... Wanted it... Had a fit... Got it!
• Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.
• Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
• All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets
• I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
• IRS We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
• Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
• Where there's a will... I want to be in it.
• It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
• Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
• Always remember you're unique... Just like everyone else

Top Ten Reasons Why E-Mail Is Like A Male Reproductive Organ

1. Those who have it think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior.
2. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off.
3. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it.
4. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.
5. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done.
6. In the past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most people today use it for fun most of the time
7. If you don't take the appropriate precautions, it can spread viruses.
8. If you use it too much, it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
9. Many people attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
10. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble!

Top Ten Times In History, When Using The "F" Word Was Appropriate!

10. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!" (Noah, 4314 BC)
9. "How the @#$% did you work that out?" (Pythagoras, 126 BC)
8. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?" (Michelangelo, 1566)
7. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?" (Custer, 1877)
6. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" (Picasso, 1926)
5. "Where the @#$% are we?" (Amelia Earhart, 1937)
4. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."(Einstein, 1938)
3. "What the @#$% was that?" (Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945)
2. "I need this parade like I need a @#$%ing hole in the head." (JFK, 1963 )
And, the Number 1 most appropriate time for using the "F" word... "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?" (Bill Clinton, 1997)

How To Give A Cat A Pill

If you have ever tried to give a cat a pill you know how difficult it is. The following instructions are fool proof!

1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from under chair. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take a new pill from foil wrap. Cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between the knees. Holding front and rear paws, ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make a note to buy a new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set aside for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with it's head just visible from beneath spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down straw.

9. Check label to make sure that pill is not harmful to humans. Drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with spoon, flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for last tetanus shot. throw t-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call the fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from garage. Force cat's mouth open with small trowel. Push pill into mouth followed} by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches finger and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture store on the way home to order a new table.

15. Arrange for vet to make housecall.

How Many Women Does It Take To Change a Lightbulb?

ANSWER: ONE! And do you know why it only takes One? Because nobody else in this darn house knows how to change a light bulb! They don't even know the lightbulb is freaking burned out! They would all sit in this freaking house in the dark for days before they tried to figure it out! And once they had figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs, despite the fact that they have been in the same cupboard for the past 17 years! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find the light bulbs, Two days later the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the stupid lightbulb would Still be in the same spot under the light! And underneath the freaking chair would be the crumpled wrapper the stupid light bulb came in! Why?? Because nobody in this house is ever even carries out the freaking garbage! It's a wonder that we haven't all suffocated from the piles of garbage that are 12 feet deep through the whole house! It will take the National Guard to clean this pigsty! No!!! Pigs would even reject this place! Does that answer your question BABE ?