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Warning To Kids
My son came home from school one day, with a smirk upon his face.
He decided he was smart enough, to put me in my place.
Guess what I learned in Civics Two, that's taught by Mr. Wright?
It's all about the laws today, The "Children's Bill of Rights."
It says I need not clean my room, don't have to cut my hair.
No one can tell me what to think, or speak, or what to wear.
I have freedom from religion, and regardless what you say,
I don't have to bow my head, and I sure don't have to pray.
I can wear earrings if I want, and pierce my tongue & nose.
I can read & watch just what I like, get tattoos from head to toe.
And if you ever spank me, I'll charge you with a crime.
I'll back up all my charges, with the marks on my behind.
Don't you ever touch me, my body's only for my use,
not for your hugs and kisses, that's just more child abuse.
Don't preach about your morals, like your Mama did to you.
That's nothing more than mind control, And it's illegal too!
Mom, I have these children's rights, so you can't influence me,
or I'll call Children's Services Division, better know as C.S.D.
Of course my first instinct was to toss him out the door.
But the chance to teach him a lesson made me think a little more.
I mulled it over carefully, I couldn't let this go.
A smile crept upon my face, he's messing with a pro.
Next day I took him shopping at the local Goodwill Store.
I told him, "Pick out all you want, there's shirts & pants galore.
I've called and checked with C.S.D. who said they didn't care
if I bought you K-Mart shoes instead of those Nike Airs.
I've canceled that appointment to take your driver's test.
The C.S.D. is unconcerned so I'll decide what's best.
I said "No time to stop and eat, or pick up stuff to munch.
And tomorrow you can start to learn to make your own sack lunch.
Just save the raging appetite, and wait till dinner time.
We're having liver and onions, a favorite dish of mine.
He asked ""Can I please rent a movie, to watch on my VCR?
"Sorry, but I sold your TV, for new tires on my car.
I also rented out your room, you'll take the couch instead.
The C.S.D. requires just a roof over your head.
Your clothing won't be trendy now, I'll choose what we eat.
That allowance that you used to get, will buy me something neat.
I'm selling off your jet ski, dirt-bike & roller blades.
Check out the "Parents Bill of Rights," It's in effect today!
Hey hot shot, are you crying, why are you on your knees?
Are you asking God to help you out, instead of C.S.D..?
125 Things Never To Say During Sex
- Is it in?
- That's it?
- You've got to be kidding me.
- (Phone rings) Hello? Oh, nothing, and you?
- Do I have to pay for this?
- Do I have to call you tomorrow?
- Oh momma, momma!
- Oh dadda, dadda!
- You look better in the dark.
- This is much better than my last girl/boyfriend.
- I thought that goes in the other hole...
- Don't tell my husband/wife.
- You have the same bra my mom does (worse if the girl says it).
- This sucks.
- Can you finish now? I have a meeting...
- I hope you don't expect a raise for this...
- I think you might get the job for this.
- Damn! Is that all you know what to do.
- Did I tell you, I have herpes?
- Now we must get married.
- Hurry up, the game's about to start.
- I'm hungry.
- I'm thirsty.
- Zzzzzzzzzzzz.
- Are you trying to be funny?
- Can I have a ride home after this?
- Are those real?
- By the way, I want to break up.
- Is that smell coming from you?
- Haven't you ever done this before?
- Wow! I've never seen those before (then grope wildly).
- Do you know what some female spiders do after sex?
- You're so much like your sister...
- Your mom's cute.
- What's your name again?
- Do I have to be here in the morning?
- A second time? I barely stayed awake the first time!
- But you just started!
- You're about as good as a 9 year old, and I should know!
- Don't touch that!
- Can we order a pizza?
- I think my dad is listening at the door.
- Smile for the camera, honey!
- Take off that damn monkey glove!
- Get your hand out of there!
- I think the condom broke 10 minutes ago.
- I knew you wore a padded bra!
- Cover me boys, I'm going in!
- DIVE! DIVE! DIVE!
- Fire one!
- God, that is small!
- Hold on, let me change the channel...
- Who smells like fish?
- Is it o.k. if my mom (and/or dad) joins in?
- Your best friend does it much better.
- Hope you don't mind I left my boots on.
- Hurry up, the motor's runnin'.
- You're fogging up the wind-shield.
- Can I borrow 5 bucks?
- What the hell noise was that?!
- Stop moaning, you sound so stupid.
- Shut up, bitch! (worse if the girl says it)
- You know, you're not really attractive.
- I'm sorry, I was not listening.
- What, oh yeah, I love you too, now let me concentrate!
- Stop interrupting me!
- I have to take a shit.
- Did I leave the iron on?
- Your breath is funky.
- (Start singing Green Day)
- Is it o.k. if I call someone, it's o.k. though, keep going...
- It's ok honey, i can imagine that it's bigger.
- God I wish you were a real woman.
- Why can't you ever shave your legs?
- By the way, when I drove over here, I ran over your dog...
- Oh Susan, Susan... I mean Donna... shit.
- Your breast milk is like my mom's...
- You're hairy!
- Your "happy trail" led me to a dead end.
- Is it o.k. if I never see you again?
- Did I forget to tell you I got worms from my cat?
- Don't make that face at me!
- All of a sudden I have a headache.
- You're boring.
- I like your tits.
- Suck my dick, bitch.
- How much do I owe you?
- How come we each have a penis?
- Of course you can't be on top, you're too fat, you'll kill me!
- Your ass is hairy (the guy says this).
- Just use your finger, it's bigger.
- Does your family have to watch?
- We'll try again later when you can satisfy me too.
- Get off me, I'll do it myself!
- Can you hold this sandwhich for me?
- You're as soft as a sheep, inside and out.
- The only reason I'm doing this is because I'm drunk.
- My mom taught me this...
- How cute... peach fuzz!
- Damn girl! My tits are bigger than yours!
- Should I ask why you're bleeding?
- This is my pet rat, Larry...
- If you can't do it, I'll find someone else who can!
- I haven't had this much sex since I was a hooker!
- I was once a woman...
- Wanna see me take out my glass eye?
- No, I don't love your mind, I can't grab that!
- Is it o.k. if I tell my friends about this?
- I'm sobering up and you're getting ugly!
- You wanted me to use a condom?
- You're no better than my brother!
- Mooooo!
- Fire in the hole!
- I wanna see how many quarters I can fit in there.
- Hurry up, I'm late for a date.
- O.k. start... Oh! that feels so... You're done?!
- You ever see Basic Instinct?
- I'm out of condoms, can I use a sock?
- Don't squirm, you'll spill my beer.
- Did I tell you where my cold sore came from?
- You got boogers showing.
- (Start reciting the 10 commandments)
- I think I just shit on your bed.
- Of course I don't love you.
- Let me spell it out for you, b-r-e-a-t-h m-i-n-t.
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Copyright © 2005 Wanda
Wanda. Female. Committed. Lots of Baggage. Straight. 42. October 2. 5'2". London, Ontario, Canada. Impatient. Weird. Funny. Loyal. Tired. Intelligent. Tone Deaf. Organized. $1,509,032.00.
