On your way home after work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the section where they have thermometers. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by "Q-tip". Be sure that you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package containing the thermometer, remove the thermometer, and carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take the written material that accompanies the thermometer and as you read it you will notice in small print the statement that says "every rectal thermometer made by Q-tip is PERSONALLY tested". Now close your eyes and say out loud five times, "I am so glad that I do not work in quality control at the Q-tip company."

A trucker stops for a red light and a blond girl catches up. She knocks on the door and the trucker lowers the window. The girls says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. The trucker stops for another red light and the girl again catches up, she knocks on the door and the trucker lowers the window and she says "Hi, My name is Heather and you are losing some of your load!" He ignores her again and continues down the street. The truckers stops for still another red light and the girl catches up again. All out of breath, she knocks on the door and the trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load!" He dismisses her and starts off down the street, then stops. The trucker gets out of the truck, approaches the blond girl and says "Hi, my name is Andy and I'm driving a salt truck in a snow storm!"

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a truck driver. The truck driver motioned for her to pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde, “Stand in that circle and DON’T MOVE!”. He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face. “Oh you think that’s funny.? Watch this!” He gets a baseball bat out of His truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tyres. Now she’s laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is almost falling over. “What’s so funny?” the truck driver asked the blonde. She replied, “Every time you weren’t looking, I stepped outside the circle."

A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, ''I've kidnapped you.'' She then wrote a note saying,''I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde.'' The blonde pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, ''How could you do this to a fellow blonde?''

A blond calls her boyfriend and pleads, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, but I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blond answers, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger. Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

I AM CANADIAN

Hey...
I'm not a lumberjack, or a fur trader...
and I don't live in an igloo, or eat blubber, or own a dogsled...
and I don't know Jimmy, Sally or Suzy from Canada,
although I'm certain they're really, really nice.

I have a Prime Minister, not a President.
I speak English & French, NOT American.
and I pronounce it 'ABOUT', NOT 'A BOOT'.
I can proudly sew my country's flag on my backpack.
I believe in peace keeping, NOT policing.
DIVERSITY, NOT assimilation,
and that the beaver is a truly proud and noble creature.

and it is pronounced"zed", not "zee", 'zed'!!!
Canada is the second largest land mass!
The first nation of hockey! And the best part of North America!

MY NAME IS JOE!! AND I AM CANADIAN!!!!!!!!

I AM AMERICAN

Wassup...
I'm not particularly intelligent, open-minded, or well-liked.
And I don't live in a safe place, eat a balanced diet, or drive very well.
I don't know Shakespeare, Da Vinci or Gutenberg,
although I'm pretty sure they were American.

I drink beer, not water, I am outspoken, not opinionated,
Guns settle disputes, not discussions.
Winning isn't everything, it's the ONLY thing,
And it's pronounced RUFF, not ROOF.

I can proudly sew my country's flag on my backpack, unless I go somewhere.
Burger King IS fine dining. Washing after peeing is for LOSERS,
Twinkies and Moon Pies ARE GOOD for breakfast,
I have a SHED, NOT a GARAGE, and WWF ACTION IS REAL!

The UNITED STATES OF AMERICA is the ONLY country in the world,
The FIRST nation of IGNORANCE,
And the BEST part of SOUTH AMERICA!!
MY NAME IS JIM-BOB, I am married to my sister,
AND I AM AMERICAN!!!!!!!

1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...
   "Just wait until your father gets home."
   
   
2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING....
   "You are going to get it when we get home!"
   
   
3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE...
   "What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you! Don't talk back to me!"
   
   
4. My Mother taught me LOGIC...
   "If you fall out off that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
   
   
5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE...
   "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
   
   
6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD...
   "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."
   
   
7. My Mother taught me HUMOR...
   "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
   
   
8. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
   "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
   
   
9. My Mother taught me about GENETICS...
   "You're just like your father."
   
   
10. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS...
    "Do you think you were born in a barn?"
    
    
11. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE...
    "When you get to be my age, you will understand."
    
    
12. My Mother taught me about JUSTICE...
    "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you....Then you'll see what it's like!"
    
    

1. Those who have it think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior.
2. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off.
3. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it.
4. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.
5. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done.
6. In the past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most people today use it for fun most of the time.
7. If you don't take the appropriate precautions, it can spread viruses.
8. If you use it too much, it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
9. Many people attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
10. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble!

1. Hey, pull my finger.
2. The phone's for me? Tell them I'm not here.
3. I don't care if it's on sale. $300 for a designer dress is too much.
4. Aw, don't stop for directions. I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.
5. Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?
6. Can our relationship geta little more physical. I'm tired of being "just friends".
7. And for our honeymoon, we're going fishing in Alaska.
8. Ohh, this diamond ring is way too big.
9. Can we not talk to each other. I'd rather just watch tv.
10. What do you mean today's our anniversary?

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Woman

Wanda. Female. Committed. Lots of Baggage. Straight. 42. October 2. 5'2". London, Ontario, Canada. Impatient. Weird. Funny. Loyal. Tired. Intelligent. Tone Deaf. Organized. $1,509,032.00.

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Email:
wanda@spiffy-ness.ca
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To Do List

For the week of March 13, 2006

1. Get car fixed
2. Get groceries and lunch stuff
3. Look for laptop
4. Apply for passport
5. Court

Currently

Date: 03/16/06
Time: 8:33 am
Surfing: nowhere
Eating/drinking: tea
Watching/listening: Uncle Kracker/Kenny Chesney ~ When the Sun Goes Down
Reading: nothing
Wearing: jean shorts, pink tank top
Hair: short
Thinking: I miss my Sir
Chatting to: no one
Today is special because: HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO ME !!! today is the first day of my 3rd year without him

Copyright © 2005 Wanda