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This is why math is taught in school [and why you should never accuse a woman of being a bad driver]
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut
right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive on to the
shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver
enough that he hung his arm out his window and "flipped" the woman off.
"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile
nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in
traffic, and here's why:
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That's 96 miles each
day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the
bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway. There's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest
of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, I figure I pass at least another
4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I
pass every day. Statistically, half of these are driven by females.
That's 18,000 women drivers! In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449.
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98.
And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33. According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry
weapons, and this number is increasing. That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female
that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
Flip one off?....... I think not.
A couple in Sweetwater, Texas had a lot of potted
plants and during a recent cold spell, the wife was
bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them
from a possible freeze.
A little green garden snake was hidden in one of
the plants and when it had warmed up it slithered
out and the wife saw it hide under the sofa. She
let out a very loud scream.
The husband, who was taking a shower, ran into
the living room naked to see what the problem was.
She told him there was a snake under the
sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and
knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold
nosed him on the rear. He thought the snake had
bitten him and he fainted. His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she called 911.
The attendants rushed in
and loaded him on the stretcher and started
carrying him out. About that time the snake came out from under
the sofa and one of the Emergency Medical
Technicians saw it and dropped his end of the
stretcher. The man on the stretcher broke his
leg when the stretcher fell. The wife still had the problem of the snake in
the house, so she called on a neighbor man. He volunteered to catch the snake. He armed
himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began
poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman,
who sat down on the sofa in relief. But while she
was relaxing, her hand dangled in between the
cushion where she felt the snake wriggling about.
She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back
under the sofa, and the neighbor man, seeing her
lying there passed out tried to use CPR to revive
her. The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from
shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her
husband on the back of the head with a bag of
canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his
scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
An ambulance was again called when it was
found that his injury required hospitalization.
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint
and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with
his wife bending over him, so she assumed he
had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen, brought back a small
bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down
the man's throat to revive him.
By now the police had arrived. They saw the
unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and
assumed that a drunken fight had occurred.
They were about to arrest them all, when the
two women tried to explain how it all happened
over a little green snake. The ambulance arrived and started to take away
the neighbor and his sobbing wife. Just then the
little snake crawled out from under the couch.
One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at
it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the
end table that was on one side of the sofa. The
table fell over and the lamp on it shattered,
starting a fire in the drapes. The other policeman tried to beat out the flames
and fell through the window into the yard on top
of the family dog, who startled, jumped up and
raced out into the street. An oncoming car saw
the dog, swerved to avoid it and smashed into
a tree setting it on fire. Meanwhile, the burning drapes had spread to the
walls and the entire house was blazing.
Neighbors had called the fire department and the
arriving fire truck started raising his ladder when
they were still coming down the street. The rising
ladder tore out the overhead wires and cut off the
electricity and disconnected telephones in a
ten-square city block area. Time passed...
Both men were finally discharged from hospital.
The house was re-built. The police got a new car,
and all was right with the world. About a year later the original couple were sitting
and watching TV, and the weatherman announced
a cold snap for that night. The husband asked his
wife if she thought they should bring in their plants
for the night.
She shot him....
A woman goes to her boyfriends' parents' house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the pouf. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!". A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, Dammit Skippy!" Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!". A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!"
A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a truck driver. The truck driver
motioned for her to pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde, “Stand in that circle and DON’T MOVE!”. He then went to her
car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face. “Oh you think that’s funny.?
Watch this!” He gets a baseball bat out of His truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her
she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tyres. Now she’s laughing.
The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it
on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is almost falling over. “What’s so funny?” the truck driver asked the blonde.
She replied, “Every time you weren’t looking, I stepped outside the circle."
A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver. "Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?"
The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident. I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"
Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am... that's your air freshener."
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Wanda. Female. Committed. Lots of Baggage. Straight. 42. October 2. 5'2". London, Ontario, Canada. Impatient. Weird. Funny. Loyal. Tired. Intelligent. Tone Deaf. Organized. $1,509,032.00.
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