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A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very horny, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem: she was in heat. What was he to do? There was no male of this species available. While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mel, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Now Mel, it was rumoured, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, and he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Perhaps they could entice Mel to satisfy the female gorilla. So he was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to screw the gorilla - for five hundred bucks? Mel replied that he might be interested, but would have to think the matter over. The following day, Mel announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions: "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her," and "Second, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union." The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but what could be the third? "Well," said Mel, "You've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks."
This lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all out. She had a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party starts, two bums show uplooking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out back. Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house. Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown has not shown up, and finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic, and will probably not make the party at all. The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself. She happens to look out the window and sees one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air. She speaks to the other bum and says, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvellous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!" The other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. "HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"
He looks out the window and gets arrested for indecent exposure.
As a baby, he had to be breast-fed by the family dog.
Even mosquitos stay away from him.
He startles the animals at the zoo.
On Halloween, he has to trick or treat over the phone.
He makes onions cry.
His ass looks like two pigs fighting over a box of milk duds.
The plastic surgeon wanted to add a tail.
When he was born, the doctor slapped his mother.
Are you tired of all those mushy "friendship" poems that always sound
good but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a
"friendship" poem that really speaks to true friendship!
Friend,
When you are sad, ...I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
When you are blue, ...I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
When you smile, ...I'll know you finally got laid.
When you are scared, ...I will rag you about it every chance I get.
When you are worried, ...I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.
When you are confused, ...I will use little words to explain.
When you are sick, .. stay the hell away from me until you're well again. I don't want whatever you have.
When you fall, ...I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
This is my oath, .. I pledge 'til the end. Why you may ask? Because you're my friend!
Remember: A friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body.
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven... don't step on the ducks." So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!" The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. Hechains them together with the same punishment as the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on.... very tall, tan, muscular, and with good hair. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" And the guy says, "Well, I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck."
A husband looking through the newspaper came upon a study that said women use more words than men. Excited to prove to his wife that he had been right all along, when he accused her of talking too much, he showed her the study results. It read: "Men use about 15,000 words per day, but women use 30,000". The wife thought for a while, then finally said to her husband, "It's because we have to repeat everything we say."
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Wanda. Female. Committed. Lots of Baggage. Straight. 42. October 2. 5'2". London, Ontario, Canada. Impatient. Weird. Funny. Loyal. Tired. Intelligent. Tone Deaf. Organized. $1,509,032.00.
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